It takes a council of dads to raise a child

SINGAPORE – Recently, I read a book called The Council Of Dads by Bruce Feiler.

The American author of 15 books is father to twin daughters Eden and Tybee, who will be turning 18 in April 2026.

In 2008, Feiler discovered a cancerous tumour measuring seven inches, or about 18cm, in his left femur. Uncertain about his future, he wrote a touching letter to six of his close friends.

“I woke up suddenly before dawn and thought of a way I might help recreate my voice for (my daughters). I started making a list of six men – from all parts of my life, beginning with when I was a child and stretching through today. These are men who know me best. The men who share my values. The men who helped shape and guide me... Men who know my voice.”

The letters came with this moving invitation: “Will you help be their dad?... Will you give them advice? Will you be tough as I would be? Will you tell them what I would be thinking?... Will you be my voice?”

These six men formed the council of dads.

Jeff Shumlin was the first dad. He would be the girls’ life coach and encourage them to travel. Shumlin believed in growth through the wider community. He would be the girls’ fun tour guide, opening their eyes to the world and all its beauty.

The second dad was Max Stier. When Stier was asked to be in the council of dads, he gladly agreed and replied: “I would start by saying how much you loved them. How I watched you blossom by having children. How good a dad you were. The most important thing a parent can do, I believe, is water a child profusely with love. I would water your children with love.”

The third dad was David Black. He was Feiler’s literary agent, his “broker of dreams”. Black was instrumental in helping Feiler publish his many books. Feiler wanted the same inspirational coach for his daughters.

When Feiler asked Black: “What’s the most important gift you can give to a dreamer?”

Black answered: “The belief in their ability to succeed... Because when you believe in them, you give them the strength to believe in themselves.”

The fourth dad was Ben Edwards, a bone radiologist. Feiler wrote that he chose Edwards because he “would convey the importance of being from a place. How you carry that place with you wherever you go. How you keep coming back to it time and again no matter how long you live...”.

Feiler imagined Edwards softly whispering to his daughters these words: “This is where your daddy came from... This is where you come from too.”

Edwards would remind Feiler’s daughters to never forget their roots. It is a place of unconditional love, with hope abounding, so that in their own trials, they can always move forward with courage.

The fifth dad was Ben Sherwood, whom Feiler wanted to teach his daughters how to question everything.

Feiler believed that under Sherwood’s guidance, his daughters would learn to see the nuanced side of things. They would be wiser in the world of the proverbial foxes and wolves.

The last dad was Joshua Ramo, who was chosen because he was with Feiler through his illness and all the chemotherapy treatments.

Feiler wrote: “Then I got sick, and overnight, Joshua became a fixture in our lives, a comforting compatriot. It was during those months that I discovered a new side of him – a side that reminded me of, well, me.”

Ramo said: “What I want Eden and Tybee to know is how easy it is to see beauty. How the wonder they felt on that plane never has to leave them. Miracles are all around them. They just have to learn to see through the clouds, and go out and harvest those miracles themselves.

“And, of course, I’d want them to know that this way of seeing never left you (Bruce), even when you were sick. And it’s how all of us who love them want them to see the world too.”

That wonder that the girls felt on the plane refers to the time when the family went on a holiday. Due to wave after wave of thunderstorms passing overhead, their plane was stuck on an airport tarmac, unable to take off. When the rain finally stopped and the clouds parted, the most idyllic rainbow appeared. It was a sight to behold for the girls, and the passengers in the plane burst into applause.

It has been more than 15 years since The Council Of Dads was written. And Feiler has since won the battle with cancer.

His story led me to think about my three children and the time I have with them.

Eventually, we will all pass on. In the face of my own fragile mortality, I often ask myself: What life’s lessons do I want my children to learn from me? What legacy do I want to leave behind for my children?

I know it is a tall order to perform all the roles that the six dads embody for my children. But if it takes a village to raise a child, then I see Shumlin’s fun side in their uncle Tsae, who travels often; Sherwood’s inquisitive side in their uncle Nathaniel; and Ramo’s comforting compatriot side in their maternal grandparents, Clarence and Rose; just to name a few.

On my part, Feiler has taught me to cherish the time I have with each of my children. As I journey with them, I strive to be their broker of dreams, believing in their ability to succeed. This will give them the strength to believe in themselves.

I would also remind them of the importance of being from a place, where they will find unconditional love regardless of their circumstances. It will always be a safe place that those who love them have created, so that they may learn, grow and dream freely.

I want them to embrace life and all its subtle wonders. To be mindful of the miracles all around them, as Ramo would teach Eden and Tybee.

Those are the lessons that the council of dads is trying to impart to Feiler’s daughters. And I strive to do the same for mine.

• Michael Han is a father of three and managing partner of a legal firm.